I changed my tire completely alone.. I could totally win survivor
Its my greatest physical accomplishment
1. Call me if you need ANYTHING. 2. If you get tag teamed, I want details.
8th day he invented the big mac, 9th he invented pop rocks, 10th day boobs.
I just left the house and 2 chicks are in the kitchen making breakfast. Might want to get up.
I'm up, no shirt, and staring at a breakfast casserole. Who are these girls?
I glued a penny on the door Tricia believes its Patrick Swayze haunting our apartment. Fuckin potheads.
Your TV has the DVD menu for White Chicks permanently burned into the screen. I can't anymore. That's just a whole different level that I cannot comprehend.
Just found out I slapped a vegan in the face with meat last night.
He tried to make eye contact, he should know by now that freaks me out
Is it a step in the wrong direction to ask my parents for a kegerator for graduation?
donating our bodies to science does not justify what were doing to them.
A drunk hobo just gave me a fist bump. Because I know what a womb is.
Yeah man i woke up and only had a Jimmy John's wrapper covering myself..
Jungle juice turns everything into a pickup line. All I said was "do you play chess" and somehow I got laid.
The multiple male orgasm is a real thing. I've seen it. I've caused it. I called him a unicorn.
I can't ever look his wife in the eye again. She will see right through my soul to his dick pic.
Randomize
