When my options for Friday night are being a 3rd wheel or bringing a gay man as my date i need to focus on other things in life like having a successful career.
don't tell her this, but while we were doing it doggy style I picked up my phone and changed my status to "who let the dogs out"
Do you think it'll be awkward standing up at their wedding knowing I've slept with both the bride and the groom?
I sent him a pic of my tits.. All he said was, "oh your sun burn"
All I remember is you introducing yourself to the entire basketball team using the line "I'll show you a slam dunk."
He's going to regret telling me he doesn't care if i shave or not...
Remember the 3 things that are off limits? They're fair game if you get here in the next 5 minutes
He straight up just had me drive all the way here and when I got here he was drinking a cup of tea and right after said he needed to go to bed
Just got smoked out by my boss. Working in politics is great.
Dave called me blind fucking drunk thinking he was going to die from drinking with drake bell(wtf?) saying "it's all that drake motherfucker's fault" and later proceeded to tell me "you are my twitter"
You have no idea I looked like the porno version of Laura Ingalls Wilder
Did you get any pics? And I can only imagine how inferior you must have felt knowing that somewhere in that room was a guy whose penis was the length of your forearm.
He sent a video of him jacking off....class will be awkward tomorrow
He said I was doing well, so I stopped mid blow job to compliment his grammar. You could say I like intellectuals
i woke up half naked on someone's pool lounge chair in a house that i don't know, with someone's phone number scrawled on my stomach. why do i hang out with you again??
You just listed two reasons.
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