I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
let's makeout let's makeout let's make out let's make out
I think I'm going to start texting all the people that don't want to talk to me
Please stop sending me picture messages of your shit. Seriously. I don't care if it looks like popcorn chicken.
don't bother texting me at 10. my pants WILL be off and I'm not putting them back on to come see you.
he told me I talked like a deaf person
I'm watching Cheaper By The Dozen. I almost forgot that Hilary Duff was a really shitty actor before she was a really shitty singer.
i walked in and you were spoon feeding your sister grape juice out of a tupperware.
We decided I could make bicurious-jitos or ho-meh-jitos or heteroflexible-jitos. But not homojitos.
Whatever. I indirectly made you cum overseas. Call it even.
Don't ever give your dog some hamburger at midnight. Its impossible to enjoy a late night burger when your dog just threw it up all over your carpet. Gremlin rules work with dogs.
Shouldn't have fucked on the top bunk, I bounced so high my hair got caught in the ceiling fan and almost broke my neck.
Friendly reminder that on the walk home you tripped but instead of falling to the sidewalk, you tried to save it and ended up headbutting my ex-boyfriend in the balls. ILU.
He saved you from those guys at the club, took you home, and made you breakfast. If this isn't your come to Jesus moment IDK what is.
color coded lube a great way to organize my bootie calls
Randomize
