cynthia nixon should never get laid more than me
My psychiatrist is "consulting" others. I am high-achieving nuts.
I'm now in all their contact lists as "Pee-Pee Hands"...
I just put up a picture on my dorm room wall of that ginger you hooked up with to remind myself that everyone makes mistakes
I just had nipple jewelry returned to me in the law library.
He thinks he's a sex addict. Just. My. Type.
Got stoned and went to Walmart. For some reason a preacher walked up and asked if I knew the lord so I just yelled "I CAN FEEL HIM IN MY VIENS" at the top of my lungs. he left after that.
Did you really just call a picture of your erect penis art?
There are two guys's cum on my sheets. Be a man and be the third.
Is it considered a bad morning to find your boss half naked in the parking lot of work at 7am?
That depends, how hot is your boss?
yup and then I snapped out of it and realized I was playing beer pong against a 4 year old... and losing
He literally shoved the EMT, climbed in the back of the ambulance with his vodka and was like, "C'mon, people. Wrap this up. I got shit to do."
kind of bad when u call a cop an asshole for driving you home from the bar
we went to go have morning sex and I said “I was gonna put my mouth on it but you need to shower”#ruinedthemoment
Protip if he licks the back of your knee and you reflexively kick him your game of 'lick the lady' is over.
Randomize
