I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
Karaoke into a bottle of boones. dear summer in alabama, glad to see you again.
I'm doing lines by myself in the kitchen. I think your outside. yeah that's you. your naked.
Thanks for pulling me out of the bed by my feet atleast one of us was sober enough to know I had work at 5 am.
I'm going to do lines of vitamin c I cannot be sick for halloween
She's going to get me a sippy cup for christmas. If I can't open it, I can't have any more to drink. Seem reasonable?
Look, as a friend I'm asking to see a picture of his tiny dick
I should start an etsy shop with all the jewelry and clothes women leave at my house
thats because you have standards... and i have a thing for guys that give me free drugs.
Dude, chad is laying across the room, violently, passionately, pornographicly eating something and I seriously think the 'some thing' is fighting back.
Lets get coked out and steal a parrot this summer
I should start prefacing bondage with girls saying "I know you've read 50 Shades, but there is a 33% you're gonna freakout and go home, while I jerk it alone"
Somehow my family started talking about sex toys at breakfast.
He’s actually a personal trainer. He said he hasn’t taught yoga in a while but the stripper prefers to introduce him as a yoga teacher
Let's just grow old together and be the crazy ladies that sit on the park bench, drinking booze from flasks and loudly talk about people who walk by.
Randomize
