she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
All I seem to do lately is get myself off, take naked pictures and drink beer. I don't know if thats a good or bad thing.
Even My mom was ashamed of me bringing her home, she pulled me aside, and told me i can do better than, "butter faces"
i thought to myself 'what a productive day'. then i realized all ive done is one load of laundry and shaved my balls.
I don't remember his name but he sat in the bathroom and gave us both advice...
My Pizza Lunchables won't fit in the fridge because of all your alcohol. One of our addictions has to give.
I gave up my innocence when I let him cum in my spelling bee trophy
You kept challenging people to a cartwheel contest...when someone finally agreed, you cartwheeled into some chicks face, then tried to propose to her as an apology. Fyi, she said no
I've lost all respect for marriage since I joined this bachelor party.
She sat on the toilet backwards so that she could hold onto the back part for balance. No she's not ready to go home.
i accidentally sent all my draft messages..how do i do damage control for the multiple "fuck me now" type msgs sent at ten am?
Of all the things that can be stripped of me i'll be damned if it's my vanity
I hopped in a random dudes car outside the strip club at 3pm on a Sunday and said "Follow that car!"
Too bad, iambic pentameter is a drunk specialty of mine.
just saw a girl run into an automatic sliding door, back up and try again
Randomize
