The only thing I've had to eat today was the half eaten sausage biscuit I found on my chest when I woke up this morning.
I feel like Captain Blackout doesn't do her justice. Brigadier General Blackout is much better.
I just fucked a rockette. This would have been amazing a week ago.
We have zombies coming, and all you can think about is cock.
Curse you and your alcoholic milkshakes.
You're welcome.
Is your answer to that text seriously a right parenthesis
I think I died last night. I had 14 beers..well 13 1/2 if you count the one that got spilled on the baby in the elevator.
Correct me if I'm wrong, but did you let me pee in the grass while barking? And also, how many of you have videos?
He's not letting me leave till I cum. I am a hostage to my own vagina
It was everywhere. My dick was a sprinkler of lost future children.
Currently hot boxing a fort I made on our snow day... This is legendary
Honestly I was sitting in managerial accounting thinking "I really need to get my shit together and stop drinking so much wine." But when you asked I realized... it's wine. It's always a yes.
That moment when you realize the hot british guy named rory you drunkenly made out with at a bar is American, is named Tyler, and has a girlfriend.
What's an appropriate engagement gift for the girl that's marrying your brother's Tuesday night hookup? Cause all I can think of is vodka and Kleenex.
Should I wish him a happy birthday?
Well he has been inside of you enough times that you probably should.
Randomize
