i just remebered what i did last night, i asked a homeless man on a bike "hey whatcha doin with that bike, wanna make 5 bucks?" he agreed and then rode me on his handle bars a block away to the next bar.
nah, its part of my diet to keep track of the servings of everything i put into my body
how many servings is brandon's dick?
I woke up to a text that said "You're a fucking asshole" Why is she so pissed at me?
Im guessing it has something to do with running up to her boyfriend screaming "THIS IS SPARTA" and kicking him in the balls.
Is that considered a cock block?
When my alarm went off, he rolled over and asked me: Bacon or dick? Yes, I will see him again.
I guess birthday shots aren't always the answer
My worst case scenario tonight is that I fuck a hot Swiss girl. Let that give you perspective on my life at the moment.
Well, I want to see you regardless of whether or not you will lick whipped cream off my body.
So nowhere in the dress code does it forbid me from showing up to City Hall in a gorilla suit to meet the mayor.
1. Why did we have the team Chirstmas party in November 2. Why didn't anyone tell me the coaches were invited 3. Why did coach get the giant vibrator I brought
Accepting his friend request would be the Facebook equivalent of pity sex.
Preface: Im drunk. But i think id make a good assasin. That is all.
That awkward moment when your drug dealer pulls your boss out of the snow
you should probably call the Bronx Zoo in the morning to formally apologize
its the right thing to do
she kind of stumbled up and said "Bitches be needin' stiches." i thought i could convince her to break a bottle over someones head but she fell onto her face and passed out before i could say anything
At one point I believe I was despencing medical advice while wearing a sombrero and a hulk hand
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