did the walk of shame from ex-boyfriend's room only to find other ex-boyfriend sitting in the living room. some people shouldn't be allowed to be friends.
some people shouldn't be allowed to be desperate.
Mom wants to know why I'm bringing a blender back to college.... didn't have the heart to tell her she's paying a $20,000 tuition for us to make margaritas and sleep through class
This escort grabbed my boyfriends ass and it became clear, he fucked pretty much anything he could find prior to dating me.
He tried to write down the address for the cab on half a bagel.
Its only fair we share our golden vaginas with the world. It would be selfish if we didn't.
we've decided whoever is stupid enough to use the condom that's tacked to the wall deserves to get pregnant.
it was like vegas minus all of the penis and death threats
I feel like his penis would have a weird haircut because he does.
It's embarrassing enough people in my life are aware of the ridiculous things that happen to me. I don't think we need to get the whole world involved.
I love our relationship. We just get drunk, show each other our tits, demonstrate sexual positions and make pasta. Then you go to bed and I sit around with your mom and cry about how proud of you we are.
I took it upon myself to take one shot of tequila to have an excuse for hitting on my not-single coworker. It worked.
You also proposed and then tried to jack me off
Good. Go forth, young stallion. Destroy the vaginal region with your tidy crotch.
I just want to trace his tattoos with my tongue
I can always count on you to keep my boobs honest
Randomize
