Thank God they found balloon boy, I was afraid that Michael Jackson was ordering take out from heaven.
It has to be really easy to get midgets drunk.
Were driving two hours to st louis so we can pee on the arch. See you in the morning. I might be sober by then.
Goldfish can't live in a bowl filled with tequila, lesson learned.
I'm currently witnessing my drunk neighbor attempting to fold laundry on his front lawn. I think he's trying to spell out HELP.
You always know it is going to end badly when a guy asks if he met you at a "coed naked lawn bowling party"
let's just pour the lemonade mix into the soco. cut out the middle man.
the only thing you and i have in common is the we like weed and looking at my naked body.
I was busy. But now I'm about to consume alcohol and chicken. We shall see where this takes us. Maybe to the moon, maybe to the floor. I have no idea.
I want to get business cards and hand them to hot guys and say " hey if you ever want to like makeout and pretend it never happened call me"
Hold on. At Sephora trying to decide what despair smells like.
That's what every 12 year old basketball team needs; a drunk and hungover lady eating KD whilst cheering them on. Highlight of their lives.
I find it ironic...the gays are dying to get married & I just want a fucking divorce
No judgement. Sometimes you gotta twerk on a legends face.
Speaking of, what are you doing next weekend? I'm going to a rope bondage seminar and may need a partner if my date bails.
Randomize
