after a month anything with tits is on the radar
apparently i'm really good at getting wasted, having sex all night, getting multiple hickeys and oversleeping father's day brunch. this is the third year its happened.
Apparantly 7 1/2 Vicodin is a 1/2 too many.
Broke up w/ my married coworker...work is gonna get weird.
She told me she wanted to wax my ass. I'm terrified and oddly aroused.
I never thought to pass out in a hotel lobby rather then paying for a hotel room until you taught me that's acceptable at the Hilton
Best part? I know that the likelyhood of this turning into an intimate relationship is like 4.25%
Text me back. Urgent. It is a porta Keep the portal alive.
Is this the acid talking?
I SHOULD NOT BE HAVING AN EXISTENTIAL CRISIS OVER PIZZA
I'm gonna do it. I'm gonna write gay mortal kombat fanfic. May the gods be praised for whisky
He said he couldn't fuck me cause I kinda looked like my brother
worse hangover than the time you almost threw up in a plant in front of your daycare kids?
...I don't remember telling you about that but yes
OMG I accidentally abducted a cat. Now there is a cat in my apartment. I NEED TO UNDO WHAT I HAVE DONE
He pulled out the guitar, sat in tub, and took requests while she puked her brains out in the toilet. I think he loves her.
Hungover at Subway, watching a business guy try to squeeze his way past my car to get into his. Bitch shouldn'ta parked over the line.
You truly are a temple of morality.
I am the night, I am justice, I am currently watching the fat biz guy pay a frat boy to back his car up for him so he can get in.
Randomize
