Omfg I am plowed. Had drinks with 3 milfs. Going out on their boat tomorrow. They want to show me how buoyant they are.
this kid down the hall keeps banging on his drums...i feel like i'm living in jumanji
went to library to start paper due tomorrow & took those orange addys u gave. now realizing they were ur xanax. completely fucked and going to fail, but calmly at peace with the situation.
Just opened a beer with eyelash curlers... miss you.
Do you remember anything yesterday that led to needing a cup of couscous in my closet?
Before you say anything, my vagine does NOT discriminate against young dads
the night got glorious when you tried to do an upside down keg stand with a near empty key and dropped it on your face
For the amount of money I just spent on my dogs toe, I could have fucked the entire B squad at a low end strip club.
An outback commercial just played and I remembered that guy from Australia Imade out with at the Derby. Great Bachelorette Party, btw.
BECAUSE THIS IS AMERICA AND DONUTS AND TITTIES AND ALCOHOL IS WHAT THIS COUNTRY WAS FOUNDED ON
it's just not right when you're boyfriend has a nicer ass than you do.
Maybe whip a sausage around while you do it and pour some beer on you. Like a German white snake video
Gonna try and have sex in the empire state bldg, will tell you how it goes
I’m a little confused...we were told by Cheeto Jesus and his minions multiple times that we would stop hearing about coronavirus the day after the election and, yet, I am still hearing about coronavirus. Is it possible they lied to us again?!?
He heard our neighbor’s vibrator through the wall, knocked on her door and now they’re doing it
The blonde?!? That’s just unfair! His penis already has a fairy tale existence
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