Dear man in the lobby please go play whith yourself elsewhere
His uber religious wife caught us having anal sex in their bed..... she called us sodomites. Can you even be a sodomite if you're a girl?
You're not a sodomite. You're a whore. Tell her to get the insults right. Did she try to save you with Jesus?
She said she'd pray for me. Man, if I had just caught my husband balls deep in some ho, I'd say fuck the praying and kick her ass.
my mom hid the smirnoff from me. this is the most fucked up game of hide and seek EVER
I'm going to fuck my way out of the friend zone if its the last thing I do
Dude give me 4 good reasons we shouldn't trade girlfriends tonight
3 things. 1. is this real life 2. my liver hates me 3. keg race tonight
You don't have to believe me. My vagina knows it happened.
The first clue should've been that he literally had shit in his hair. How does that even happen?
Idk. Im in a bed. the walls are wood. There's a deer mount.. im afraid to turn over and see who's next to me but he's violently cuddly.
Bro she gave me the stare. It's like she boned me with her eyes. I'm going in.
I just realized I'm currently not eating carbs, drinking alcohol or having sex. 2014 is off to a horrible start.
You know darned well I have a well-documented weakness for redheads, Subway and hand-drawn graphic novels.
Many a woman has been in tears over the passing of my penis' whorish ways.
I think he fucked my hip out of place.
Remember, I smoked so you wouldn't have to. I'm like the Jesus of Marijuana.
Randomize
