i was born a porn star she said
i think i will get a tattoo on my butt that says "im not bluffin with my muffin", but i guess if i was serious, i would get it above my c-section scar
they said they heard you say put it in my butt
My vagina makes bad decisions like its her job
I legitimately just tried to piss above my head. I got to my chest at highest. There's piss everywhere.
Beer vodka and pink lemonade powder mixed together. So. Many. Penises. My vagina will be calling out to them tonight. Coooooooooooooome.
We are winners. And by winners I mean home wrecking sluts
Isn't that what our 20s r for?? Testing the strength of other people's shitty relationships?
where are you guys? the police just woke me up on the couch outside.
if I just puked into my own hand, but then cleaned it up quickly, quietly, and calmly, am I still a trainwreck?
you're the one asking for my vibrator at 4 in the morning so reconsider your life
YOU WILL DIE AND I WILL CARVE 'I TOLD YOU SO' ON YOUR HEADSTONE
Hahaha more like walk of pride. You entered the lions den last night.
Weird thing is that's not the first time I've been felt up by a Santa. Happens every year
I'm twenty nine years old, now is not the time to start trying new drugs. I need a hedge fund...not another drug-induced hangover.
I officially have worse injuries from a baby shower than roller derby.
Randomize
