Oh my god. Just had sex with this girl on the boardroom table at my work at midnight (win!) just realized I left the condom wrapper on the table (lose!)
90 persent of me said don't pee on that fake plant. Buyt i did
Today my mom told me "that's what worries me about you getting blacked out drunk... You don't look pretty"
Just smoked out of an apple with Steve Jobs. I love Halloween.
Did you just say he wants to put a baby inside me?
I think it's safe to say taking shots on the way to the emergency room was rock bottom. We're going to need to think of ways to top that between now and next new years eve...
Some idiot from high school is in the hospital for bonging three beers up his ass
He should have died. Natural selection.
It was dark, she woke me up, gave me a blowjob and then whispered in my ear: do you know who I am?
Oh my god. I'm not ready to be an adult. I'm not ready.
I'm texting you the word "cockring" because I feel it hasn't been said enough throughout our friendship.
Hooked up with a guy dressed as Miss Frizzle last night... Asked if I could ride his Magic School Bus
The cat be actin like a 2:30 am poop is the time to tell me all about her thoughts and fears in life. No bitch, this is definitely alone time.
Last night was incredible. I can tell by the nacho cheese on my jacket
He was like low grade Riff Raff, but I hit it. Twice. His grill popped out the second time.
It is not a successful senior year unless you show up to campus without pants at least once, right?
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