you left with a lisa lampanelli lookalike... i hope she was atleast funny
His little brother walked in on us. Six times.
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
DO NOT FUCK HIM ON MY BEAN BAG CHAIR
I'm 99% sure I high fived a girl over mashed potatoes last night
I keep reminding myself that my vagina isn't a homeless shelter.
I feel like I've been drunk all of June. And I am in NO WAY ashamed about it.
Hurry up and get here. I already announced to the bar that you were on a mission to get laid tonight. I have 3 takers.
He was trying to be aggressive in bed, but in reality, it was like watching a declawed cat try to climb a curtain. They WANT it, they just can't DO it.
I love our strategizing... I wish we used the same passion for planning our lives and future that we use for planning our drunken escapades... We would both be doctors by now, I swear
Was that you I seen riding on the top of a cab? Way to start the new year
I just went into a strangers house to have a spoonful of sugar to cure my hiccups, wtf is wrong with me
Current status: so high that I'm unable to have coherent conversation with my mom, but still knew that when my dad said "shpritzy white stuff" I understood that he was trying to think of "whipped cream."
That text took me 10 minutes.
You know the bunny onesie you sent me? Happy Halloween, I just did the hop of shame.
Its like your face is a pile of corn and I'm a chicken
...What??
Randomize
