I just found a beer pong ball in my mail box. I think its a sign
I voted for him because his wife supports his raging sex life.
I just had to blow my nose on a mcdonalds receipt in my car. Its time to stop doing coke.
Dude, she found the red hair dye from 4th of July. then she proceeded to give you a red mohawk for a more patriotic thanksgiving eve. How do you not remember that?
I have a broken liver
I see that the whole "let's take a break from drinking" has worked out really well for us.
Okay so, sorry but last night we had to put a note on your chest and a key around your neck just so you would make it home.
My mouth feels like it's at the dentist but my body feels like it's at the strip club.
lost her for two hours. she was banging a russian guy in her car in the parking lot. he told her she was majestic.
To this day, I regret not having sex in the bathroom
The cup holder in my recliner holds a whole bottle of wine. That's definitely a sign.
I was trying to drink every time they said planned parenthood but my body isn't cut out for this.
It's going to turn into you and me throwing down in a devastating lip-synch battle while everyone else stands around awkwardly.
2 weeks into this dating someone with money thing and I already don't know if I can go back to the being poor life
Hey, um, after thinking about it, I decided I really don't want to use applying olive oil to your ass for your fissure as part of foreplay because... well... really? Just read that again.
The only good thing about being back at work is supply room boom boom with my office husband
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