Just got kicked out of the ocean for being "unsafe".
My boss' voice literally gives me gas
I'm not giving my ex her earrings back. If some chick i hated gave me brownies i would still eat them. It's the same thing.
i watched you ride a mechanical penis. nothing is awkward between us anymore.
Is it uncouth to have a themed intervention? I know how much you like Star Wars.
we're driving around with this really dirty (unclean and inappropriate) 60 year old ex-san quintin con named old skool d that my brother knows and hes bringing us to get weed. what is montana?
She had one of those kid princess beds. I asked how she expected to fuck on that and she just said "thats what the slide is for". I've never wanted to marry a one night stand before.
I forgot that I thought it would be a good idea to hairspray my toilet seat last night after I took 12 shots of vodka so when I just went to pee, I stuck to the toilet. Never drinking again.
She got turned on by my fanny pack full of condoms. I can't believe you said it was a bad idea to wear it to the party.
Last time Jon threw a party I woke up on my porch, no shirt but 4 bras on, and "make better life choices" written on my stomach in sharpie
Do to my newly discovered condition I'm having to resort to emergency beat sessions to avoid the temptation to text girls I know are easy slams.
We fucked so hard that when I orgasmed I tore his towel rack off the wall. He was more impressed than mad.
I hate how much more visible my vomit is on snow, I need a winter vomit bush
Nothing much. Just taking shots of tequila before I go get a bikkini wax. You?
Irony: drinking your pre workout supplement out of the cup your Krispy Kreme doughnut holes came in.
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