I like how you formally end text interactions, just turn your phone off or don't respond you pervert
The cops found weed in michael jacksons house today...it makes up for the child molesting, I like him more now.
Is drinking merlot and watching womens figure skating by myself gay?
Well hello freshman 15, didn't see you there until I tried on last years summer clothes.
At my internship. I get drug tested tmr at 2
Are they going to pay you for the one day you worked?
he turned down sex AND sandwiches. who the hell does that?!
All I know is that either you or I told a black guy that he looked like usher and he was sexy and that is our confession
Will you judge me if i do shots in my basement closet first? No? Okay good
Shout out to my liver for being the true MVP. It easily put in more work than LeBron or Curry this week.
So basically he is jobless, a potential serial killer, and has poor taste in music? We simply don't have time for that.
He took a girl home at like eight, fucked her, kicked her out, came back to the bar, and repeated the process again at 10:30 and 2:30. THREE GIRLS IN ONE NIGHT. ALL PICKUPS. I HATE HIM.
Don't make me do math I'm drunk and full of chicken
Damn that brownie almost kicked my ass. I'm not sure if my flight home lasted 10 minutes or 10 days..
I never knew it was coming. He was cute and nerdy, cute and nerdy, cute and nerdy, and then BAM! Best hookup ever.
Fursuit judi Dench just stared directly at me for 3 solid minutes telling me that cats arent dogs and i believe her because if i dont cat jason derulo might try to have sex with me
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