So I'm sober and underage, being hit on by a groom-to-be with braces...is it a bad thing that I'm enjoying it?
you sent me 45 texts saying "meow?"
did i?
i pretty much saved your life. you were so conviced that your nail polish remover bottle was "Vodka Lemon"
Googled "can you put dry ice in your drink?" I'm safee
spending the week with her family was quite possibly the longest ive ever gone without having a boner
She was so drunk yelling at me in my driveway to fuck her. It was the ghetto version of Romeo and Juliet.
Every time I remember you're bi, the world gets a little brighter.
asked the cab driver where he learned Swahili last night.
yea, there's something about a stripper whipping you with your own belt that makes you think
my roommate is sobbing and looking at photos of elephants. i'm so confused.
He let me keep my Michael Jordan Bulls jersey on during sex.
I did my walk of shame through a safeway at 8am to get YOUR hangover bagels. You're welcome asshole
I don't think stranger penis made your tonsils bleed
One sec I was having the time of my life, the next I was shitting water
it's like i'm your dad, but instead of reminding you to bring your lunch to school i remind you to take a good long hit from your bong.
Randomize
