I remember having a drink with vegetables in it. They said it was a mojito, but it tasted like cabbage.
haha i love mojitos
ya and i hate cabbage
We can get Dustin to help us. I think he'd be good at luring girls into a dark alley.
is it weird that i blow-dry my hair and poop at the same time?
not any weirder than you telling me this at 4 in the morning
Did we have sex last night or did we just wake up naked covered in oil?
I think the fact that my first kiss is now in a porno says a lot about why my life is the way it is
at john mayer concert. alone. to many highschool kids. i feel like a drunk chaperone with a pomegranite martini mustache
I think it was our ex-neighbor Mike. He leaves Taco Bell outside our door a lot
He'll drop off his extra tacos at our place bc he's super high when he orders & can't eat them all
she wouldn't play beer pong with me unless I took off the rollerskates.
I have so much boob sweat I could bathe a baby
I left his apartment Bc I lost my id. Wandered 5 miles barefoot. Got lost in downtown la. My phone died so I asked for directions from a man at the gas station.. Turns out he was a bum. He led me back to the apartment AND he found my id.
It's like the whiskey god was watching over you
Excuse me hold on, hooking up with someone who is verified on twitter is like being important.
I will never understand why the dress to get laid party is always scheduled to be during family weekend. Its not even ironically funny.
So far in the last ten minutes I have tried to pour cereal into a plate. Today's gonna be a great day.
I hate to be the bearer of bad news, but yours is no longer the biggest penis I've seen. It is however, still the prettiest.
We were totally high while having sex, I told him fast or slow, just follow your balls. That was a show stopper.
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