so my mom just told me that she wouldnt pick me up and take us to taco bell at 3AM...
girl you didnt miss much. except me passing out for 3 hours AT JOBBIE NOONER on some random's boat. i was topless, then completely naked. heard girls were throwing ice cubes at me. i was useless. remember nothing.
It was all fun and games until Tim shit on the end table
By the way, her vagina was so tight i was worried that i would be stuck forever
How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
i need to break up with him. i realized this while i was making a mental grocery list while we were having sex. this is not the first time i've done that.
Babe when I told you that you needed to grow up I didn't mean get drunk and sponsor 8 African kids.
I have 4 passes to the spa here, walking around with a robe on and putting cucumber slices on my penis. You guys should come hang out here. It's very relaxing
I am both excited and frightened by the fact that this much everclear is legal here. Best vacation ever.
Is it bad that I'm a 32 year old woman that is so afraid of commitment that a hamster is too much responsibility?
Judging by his bulge. This guy is going home with me. Who doesn't want a dick that looks like it used to be a pillar in Rome.
She doesn't believe I only want to use you for sex. She has a much higher opinion of me than either of us do.
We are literally scheduling phone sex... if that's not long distance af then i don't know what is
We saw the mini basketball hoop and unicycle and just knew we had to create a new sport
Drunk minds think alike
The economy isn’t reopen until I can get drunk and motorboat fake tits at lunch on a Wednesday
Randomize
