I brought my laptop into the bathroom so I can facebook while vomiting. New low?
can you please tell me why I'm bleeding so heavily from my ass and all my makeup is gone?
i say over christmas we have a beer pong competition with the cousins and see who really has the best genes in the family.
i thought they made a 7-hour walmart run, but they were actually in jail.
I was told to ask you about memoirs of a geisha.
History professor is at the bar. Hurry! There's only so many A's he could give before it starts to look bad.
Overslept. So hungover. Apparently texting the first person in my contact list the time I would like to wake up is not how the alarm clock in my phone actually works.
My dick can't jump between your dick and her mouth, man. It's impossible, I think.
Currently sitting in the movie theatre bathroom while she gives him a blowjob in the parking lot. Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend.
I just walked away from a youth soccer tournament popping every birth control pill I had left in the pack.
So, I'm about to take my pants off in the Walmart parking lot, when am old lady parks next to me. I'm all the way in the back next to the semis. What the hell?
Okay let's look at your past accomplishments you've done hungover... Sat great score, academic decathlon, state for track. I think you are solid to go out tonight
I've never had someone so bad at kissing. It was like he was trying to block my airway with his tongue and he succeeded...
Stop sending me pictures of you naked. This violates the friend zone agreement.
he just fucked me for my cheese..
Randomize
