Fighting the police is like screwing a fat girl, if I'm drunk enough I'll do it
i swear to god even though i took those meds before coming here i did not hallucinate zulema silently throwing up into a breakfast burrito
Dubbing lion king over planet earth. That stoned.
the arrest was probably divine intervention, cause i think we were heading to an ill-advised threesome.
just woke up in my car, in front of the bar. Took me 10 minutes to find my keys which were about 10 yards away in a bush. According to my phone records, I called my ex 14 times last night. Breakfast?
The bartender cut me off so I peed in the corner. How no one noticed I have no idea.
I still can't believe you had sex with someone who willingly went by Peaches.
Please tell me I didn't help an old woman shave her vagina last night. Please.
That's the least of the fucked up shit you did last night dude.
I told him I tried to eat a stranger's sandwich while I was drunk. Mildly disappointed but he realizes he has me for a kid.
Nothing says "I Love you" like my dick in a pizza box
That's not "anything", that's you deep throating a mozzarella stick.
I tried to think of the best possible thing I could do for my 30th birthday, and the finalist is "get a clit ring"
I shall relish in being the most basic of bitches
No we didn't fuck. He picked me up I asked where we were going and he said "I don't know if you've ever heard of a little place called Denny's?" He was completely serious. I told him to stop the car and I got out and called Jack.
I woke up this morning and my house is covered in shredded cheese with my laptop open and a google image search for "awesome shit".
Randomize
