I'm home now. bring me food and boobies
Should I feel badly because I just bought a really hot pregnant girl a drink after I lit her cigarette?
he was like "finding out that arrested development was cancelled" bad
She's clinging to me like a horny koala.
I've just never had a dinner guest strut in, go directly to my bathroom, vomit.. then come out demanding whiskey and food.
I've never danced to a Michael Jackson song in a bar and left alone bro. Something in girls loves a guy who dances to mj
Well we were going to compare notes, but all I could remember was throwing up, and all she could remember was kissing, so then we decided to not compare anything.
Eredayimstrugglin ..Can we talk about the fact that I just typed "er" and it autocorrected to that. Fuck my life.
I just accidentally showed an old lady a pic of my penis while showing her cat pics. So how's your day going?
I'm just gonna put on a documentary and throw up
Just so you know, it is really hard to rehydrate when everything is spiked with everclear.
I’m home.
I’m aware. I just dropped you off.
He tried to eat me out...through my pants.
Gotta say, self-deprecating Lord of the Rings-themed sex jokes were not on my agenda for today.
Did u find my other sock in your bra? U said u were uneven so I did the gentlemanly thing.
Randomize
