I want to be a jewelry store heckler. "Hey man, is she really worth it"
if it were possible I'd exchange my vagina for a diff one on the black market.
I would kind of like a job that starts at 10:30 and i'll work til 7. I'm not very productive in the morning. My main focus is not puking from 9-11.
she said your name and I thought she was asking me to motorboat her. Best. Miscommunication.Ever.
btw i have an angry voicemail of you yelling at me to get you a sandwich or die.
she passed out facedown in my lap while I was playing piano. 11 years of piano lessons finally paid for themselves.
Just realized I'm marrying a man that's never gone down on me. What happened to my priorities?
It's sad the highlight of the night was you didn't electrocute yourself again.
He asked me if I could call his penis destroyer... Uhh SOS.
Yes, but if I hadn't gotten here early, I never would have seen the butch lesbian midget waddling down stairs from the bar. Worth every minute of drinking alone.
we found him. outside on the balcony, sitting on a bucket, with his pants off, swearing he was'nt taking a dump
Well he can play the xylophone with his erect cock... So he's got that going for him
This is a mass text. First one to reply gets head.
Before anyone claims this, this chick is in my boyfriend's phone as "Worst BJ EVER!"
Does that mean you're calling dibs or can I?
Does your body have a liquid mass index? does that make sense? I think I drank it in Long islands.. Kill me now..
On my way to return shoes I bought so that I can afford to buy a pregnancy test. Is this adulthood?
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