woke up with peach flovored chap stick on my taint ! dont ask why i know it was peach
You should have seen k-money last night. She was just hanging on to the toilet for half the night. By her fourth trip to puke, she started talking to it and was doing the voices for her and it. She kept saying "...we thank you for your continued business..." haha
why do my parents always seem to be having way more sex than i do?
So I was throwing up in this fancy toilet at a party last night, when he decided it would be funny to flush it. It was a beday. I had to walk out with toilet water and regurgitated rumpleminze all over my face and shirt.
i take my contacts out every time we fuck so i cant see all the stretch marks
I miss waking up knowing you're passed out under my bed.
There's not an emojicons for I think I ripped my asshole and want to die.
Just thought you should know the man you CHOSE to father your children has once again fallen asleep on the toilet. thanks mom
What kind of gift says "I'm sorry you accidentally stuck your hands in my puke (even though you should know better by now)"?
Finals drinking + forgeting you had to take your ambien because you work at 6am mid paper= drunk logic which then entails going on a "detox" run. Puking your guts put in the field house bushes while some random guy says to you "its okay. We're marching on."
I've realized that I'm going to have to wake and bake every morning to make it through the summer without killing someone. This is ridiculous.
I just explained my sex life to the "if you give a moose a muffin" book... Is that weird?
Decided to make myself tequila gummy bears but got impatient and just drank the bowl of tequila.
I think I just did my first walk of shame. He sent me home with a watermelon from his farm. Southern one night stands.
I just broke into my house with a butter knife. It kinda scares me just how easy that was.
Randomize
