I'm not to broken up about it. Our relationship was worse than a coldplay song.
he had more hair on his balls then in my Easter basket
I just did the nutritional comparison between 2% milk and Bud Light Lime.. the beer had less calories, less carbs, and less fat. It's not looking good for milk in my life anymore
I'm going to listen to christmas music to trick my body into cooling off.
I thought your voice was coming from the walls. I've never been so relieved to find you naked in a closet
I was informed that last night we held hands while puking on the curb outside the bar.
We just have a real special relationship.
I'm drinking wine from the cap of my laundry detergent container, wearing my bed sheet as a cape. How do you think I'm taking it?
So I come back home and a huge flock of enormous vultures are on my roof
They're waiting for you to die
I'm at my friends house alone, she's at spin class so I'm wearing her engagement ring and eating buffalo wings. It's 9:30am. Happy Valentine's Day.
The only person more miserably hungover from the party is the dog, and that's because he ate some balloons
Speaking of lightening speed, he ate me out while I was watching The Flash. If that's not winning at life idk what is
I bought a machete, tennis balls, and matches. How is this NOT going to be a great night?
I blacked out in the cab last night... Cant remember getting in the front door, also i got into bed with my grandma.
I cant believe you bit her ass cheek, she must have been really weirded out.
yeah so we made out to make it less awkward
All I recall is being at the strip club doing dark rum shots and then puking a question mark on the wall above the garbage can in the men's room and having diarrhea in the sink. 6th drunkest I've ever been without blacking out.
Randomize
