I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
I just remembered that last night when we tried to walk off the spins you said "pretend i'm your pet dinosaur" so i walked you around on an invisible leash while you made t-rex hissing noises.
halfway through eating me out he goes 'oh that reminds me i have to buy fish for good friday'
you're acting like its my fault you're allergic to sperm or something.
i told you we never speak of that again
and on the fourth day, god made foam parties.
Dude she threw his clothes out n 8th floor window and her dog tried to bite his dick off. So the answer is yes it could be worse...
I'm responsible for my client's overall well-being. Which is terrifying coming from someone that can't stop masturbating and eats leftover pizza just about everyday.
The fact that you're allowing Santa to dry hump your ass is sort of a dealbreaker
Am I really that high, or did I just spray febreeze outside ?
Steve watched craig and I have sex from the top level of his cat tower this morning.
I don't care. She's the only girl to make me feel like my face is melting when she blows me.
Those boxers don't belong to me anymore. They belong to the desert surrounding Phoenix.
That reminds me of the morning I woke up on the sidewalk covered in chicken wings
At least you didn't lose your virginity to chumbawumba
Puked in my purse on my Uber ride home last night. Safe to say it's not a good idea to beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
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