when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
I brought red and green boonsfarm to the white elephant party. classy and festive. I think this is what people are referring to when they talk about killing two birds with one stone.
the last three girls i tried to get with all believed in abstinence... i think gods trying to keep me from being a father
i think girls just don't want to fuck you
i saw his dick when we were four, so thats kind of ruined for me now
He bought me a pink rose and a Plan B. I really like this guy.
THERE IS PRACTICALLY A BEER FUCKING WATERFALL
Hey can we break in your window? We need to borrow the dog.
He just showed me how to break a chop stick with his ass.
My attorney has my name in her roldex as need to hit that. Im gonna win my case
Abby spilt her vodka all over the train's bathroom floor
WE'RE THE ONES DRESSED UP FOR THE LARGEST DRINKING HOLIDAY IN AMERICA WHO ELSE ON THIS TRAIN IS A SUSPECT FOR THIS SMELL?!
Another development in my life...I think I pulled a muscle in my neck from vomiting this weekend.
Okay, new plan. Get drunk, eat breadsticks. It's going to be great.
That was when I yelled "Wisconsin powers activate!" and took off sprinting across the ice
I kind of just assumed by how he whisked eggs that he would be bad in bed.
I've never been so turned off by an omelet.
while giving me head, she stopped, looked up at me smiling and said "ill never be able to look at bananas the same way again" and then went back to work.
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