Beer is about to convince me to do something really stupid.
He's sitting on the floor holding his bracket and crying, literally crying... he just keeps saying "Kansas how could you?" over and over
The only way I could have failed my exam worse is if there would have been a drug test portion
Ok wear gym clothes just in case we feel like going shitfaced to the gym
You sprinted into the side of a parked car
On Wednesday I'm putting wine in a water bottle and crashing Margaret thatchers funeral
Wanna play whack-a-mole in my pants?
Your word choices worry me.
someone in the elevator just told me i looked like a struggle but i smell very pretty..
you don't understand it took me an hour and a half to escape that bed, I had to memorize his sleeping patterns.
He said "send me a motivational picture" so I sent one with mayo on my face that said "clearly I'm no stranger to white stuff on my face"...I'm the fuckingng worst
Have a booty call at 3am, stopped for tacos at 2:30. It's 2:55 and I still haven't ordered but can't jump the curb to get out of line because there is a cop in front of me. What am I doing with my life?
With my son watching me, I pulled down my pants and shit in her trash can.
well at least you got laid last nighT. I woke up on a pile of laundry
wait i saw you last night?
we found you ass naked on the couch covered in pillows.
also, when i showed up he started talking to me and eventually asked me if the girls treated me well. i went on to talk about my sex life. he was talking about his secretaries.
Randomize
