At a straight bar and poker face just came on...must...resist....urge to gay it up
Why would that come on at a straight bar? I thought they just played Don't Stop Believin and Wonderwall on repeat
Lady came into work yesterday. Full on stache and beard. I've never concentrated on making eye contact harder in my life.
Since when is my name a synonym for head?
I just blindly shoved it in. I'm still not sure which hole I got.
I'm babysitting and we're watching Barney and I don't understand why Barney can magically make band hats appear but he makes them make shitty ass instruments.
Barney's a jerk
LA Sucks. The only way i can get laid is if i tell people im at a law firm that represent film producers.
And when they figure it out, they act like IM shallow.
I woke up next to her will a oven mit taped to my cock. Dear god, I might have tried to use it as a condom.
I feel like a food baby is going to burst from my stomach and eat all the leftovers until another food baby rips out of its stomach. And so on. It's truly a merry Christmas.
I wish I could just hang out in ERs.
Playing nyquil pong with a cat again
If throwing a bottle across the bar, hitting a skank in the head and not getting caught was an Olympic event, you'd bring merica the gold every time
We broke into her grandpa's pool at 2 am and I held my underwear out the window on the way home.
I got unbelievably drunk yesterday, need some time off. Apparently pulling your balls out to make your buddy's girlfriend miss beerpong shots is frowned upon.
You know you're more responsible when you turn down your bed and make a clear path to it before you go out..
I lost my cyber virginity to a guy I barely knew in high school while a Togepi Plushie watched.
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