People in love make me want to vomit
I don't understand how he can't hear himself snoring, but he'll wake up to me sneaking m&m's from my junk food stash beside the bed...
So I'm probably the first guy in history to tap out of a blowjob.
She said I came to for a minute, shouted IHOP!! and then shook my head and said no before passing out again
I realized it was a bad idea when I broke my collar bone
I think we should take up crocheing or stamp collecting....something completely lacking penises
ok it turns out chain mail does not protect against falling down a flight of stairs. please send help.
I just remembered that last night I ate nachos off of someone else's table with a stranger
I mean, I Just Had Sex in 4 on her top 25 most played list. That's got to give you some indication
How the fuck can he download so much porn but not know how to find the Skype app?
She asked me to dress as captain planet for halloween and told me she was gonna suck the pollution out of my dick.
Timehop reminded me that 4 years ago today I helped a one armed man do the YMCA by being his other arm.
We were fucking in the boat on the lake when another boat saw us and honked their appreciation.
You literally just told me you're ditching me because of pizza. PIZZA? Wow.
90% sure I just opened a snapchat of you in a fuzzy bathrobe next to your ceiling collapsing
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