I'm not a mortal combat character
but my vagina is
somehow I got talked into dressing up like a hot dog, spinning around ten times, and shooting lay ups in front of thousands of students
there's got to be a less slutty way to tell him the baby isn't his
I'm going to have to call in sick tomorrow. After this weekend, there's no way I can handle hearing the accountants talk about double entry without puking.
nyquil sex gave me 6 orgasms so I support that
I seriously just washed my dick in a public restroom. That's how dirty last night got
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
He set an alarm on my phone to an infant screaming and puking to make sure i take my pill. its working.
Just made macaroni burritos. Fukkin awesome. We'll have to try this when I'm sober.,!
I think he offered to cook me dinner or cook me for dinner. Not really sure. Just smiled and nodded.
Ps I got my nipple pierced. You're just gonna have to accept me for the tool I am and I don't wanna hear any shenanigans.
You would only karaoke to Spanish songs, but sang with the accent of the french candle stick in beauty and the beast.
Pissing into the Grand Canyon is the single most liberating thing I've ever done in my entire life
Man, that hitchhiker cursed me.
Anyway, all that to say that tiny penises are a hassle.
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