I'm just that much of a man that I can watch Ellen and Oprah back to back and still like girls.
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
I think the imperative here is that I literally knocked down a sorority house with the force of my dick.
Just so you're aware, tomorrow is "Slow Clap when you see Mike" day.
wanna play who's drunker? I just made macaroni & cheese taco and offered it to the pizza Guy as a tip.
if i'm ever face-down on the ground puking again, promise me you won't try to braid my hair?
I'm convinced that college is the only place where one can have an existential crisis over what sweatpants to wear
Time for jim to play the "dont seriously consider pooping in the trash" game
If you're wondering why you have playpen balls it's because we stopped at chuckie cheese on the way home.
Had a grope session with a girl who looked like my Mom and had the same name as her as well. I think therapy is in order.
Yeah when we were together he never sent me dick pics like a normal boyfriend. It was always pizzas. That should've been my sign.
You've never felt ridiculous until you've walked through downtown in a Viking costume
I stopped him mid keg stand to show him how cute my bra was...
we've never stayed at a party for more than an hour. we always end up at a pizzaria. by ourselves. with no friends.
what else are best friends for?
Wearing panties to a party gives you a whole new perspective on life.
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