the way i see it him paying 500 bucks for my fake abortion is karma's way of punishing him for cheating on his wife
Now that world cup is done, funneling out of a vuvuzela has lost its fun
There is a clear recurring theme of me having sex in restrooms that really needs to stops
She made me role-play everything from an older prof to a in-patient in need of a medical exam. Yay for cocaine.
No, that was the night I was sneezing out barf
Someone painted a weed leaf on my leg with red paint. Or blood. I hope paint.
Holy fuck just found a used tampon in the leg of my pants. it's not paint. It's. Not. Paint.
WE SHOULD FUCK TWO GUYS THAT LIVE TOGETHER
THAT WOULD BE SO CONVENIENT WE COULD CARPOOL
I hooked up with a blind guy last night... he's clapping in order to find his way around our apartment
If waking up at 6 50 pm every day and getting invited to go have sex as you wake up is what alcoholism is like I can get use to this.
The more I think about it, the more convinced I am that I'm the solution to all of T-Swift's guy problems.
Other than trying to finger me on the couch in the middle of the bar a few times, you were fine.
Is it against health code to come into work half drunk and commando?
You were in no condition to manage a 3-way.
Do not confuse my plans for being an adult though. I will ABSOLUTELY be practicing suturing, on my porch, while getting stoned.
That's good. So do you know why there is a giant pile of old tires in the laundry room and kitchen?
Well we knew you needed some tires, found someone on the way home who was giving them away and took them all. Has to be 4 in there you can use.
Randomize
