i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
Oh and ps....i was sleeping soundly until i woke up by the sound of amy on the phone with her mom sobbing hysterically because she can't stop having the shits.
When I masturbate I pretend my dick is the slap chop an I'm destroying vegtables. Do you think that's a eating disorder?
have you seen my purse? i cant find it and my ipod is in there and that shit totally cost more than my abortion.
So the bitch asked me if I wanted the name brand or the generic contraceptive. Does it look like I want to be generically pregnant?
Do you think if I tell the hot Santa at work that I want a sugar daddy for Christmas that he'll get the hint?
FYI you are now my emergency contact at plan parenthood
I got back from work this morning after working the night shift to find an NFL player scaling the side of our apartment...from your window. He just took sneaking out to all new level. Care to explain?
I think that about sums it up, actually.
I didn't rip your fishnets, WE ripped your fishnets.
I literally have anal toys soaking in the bathroom sink and dinner on the stove. If that doesn't scream "domestic goddess", I don't know what the fuck does.
I just ate a handful of salt
I thought this was a good idea
Her tits are so fantastic they gave him a panic attack.
Last night I actually told him I came with a washer and dryer
QUIT BEING A BITCH, DRINK SOME PEPTO, AND PUKE ON OUR FOES
she was all excited about us being eskimo sisters and then i was just like "alyssa i've literally been inside of you" and she got even more excited
Randomize