Sometimes he's such a bitch I forget that he's not actually a girl. Last night I asked him if I could borrow a tampon.
He had some in his pocket. That was weird.
apparently it's not kosher to shit in a litter box when there's a line for the bathroom
well when i got there she was attempting to stick the cat in her mouth.. so maybe you should go check on her
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
Youre on making sure I dont black out around fat chicks duty
i just called. the lady was really nice. something tells me my schools clinic gets a lot of calls about chlamydia
well... just scaled a wall and entered the bar through the balcony. just making some last minute memories nbd.
I'm concerned I'll look like a hooker on new years eve in this outfit
There are different standards on new years eve. To look like a hooker you literally need to be giving a guy head on the street while he's handing you cash.
I think I'm leaving the streamers and balloons up from 4th of july till after he stops by. It'll be like the universe is celebrating his massive dick.
Drinking from the bottle. In bed. Making dinosaur noises. Oh man.
I love that you'd blow off your high school reunion to get shit faced in an aquarium with us
Um. We all know how I feel about sea life
Sorry for trying to baptize you last night
You knew the entire thing in Latin I was so impressed
We were 6 minutes into the movie before we realized the whole movie was spoken in Italian. That level of stupidly-ripped
I don't care if he's the coolest coworker, if he's living in his mom's basement at 30 you should not buy drugs from him
I mean, she's batshit insane and once choked a guy with one hand but she's still MILF material in my book.
Randomize
