don't worry. When rigor sets in, we'll make sure to get you laid one last time.
Seriously. Destroy her vagina. Do it like an angry baboon mating with a gentle manatee.
Just did a line with a monopoly bill. Tell me I'm not fancy.
i'm gonna be such a cougar when i'm older...i just facebook stalked my little sister's 13 yr old boyfriend while drinking a bottle of wine....
You were competing with my dog to see who had the stronger bark....
These pubs in Ireland act like hand jobs aren't the universal currency
That's the last time you call me to prove to some girl at a bar that you're English. It's bad enough that you actually get to fuck them because of it without having to wake me up to seal the deal.
I had to help you off the toilet floor because you couldn't get up, then you threw your drink on the floor and just said "oh dear" really calmly.
i don't think they understood the house was collapsing. they kept dancing and jumping and asking for more cups.
I heard you were drinking whiskey straight from the bottle last night.
Actually I was drinking whiskey straight from 3 bottles, but that is neither here nor there.
No more stories ab the wkend for co-workers... No one else found "and I didn't have pants on when I got home Saturday night" as funny as I did.
I woke up with my converse still on and a plate of pasta next to my face, if that gives you any indication of how my night went
Broken heels while double fisting margaritas, picking up shirtless, bloody men and escorting them out of harms way, the meltdown when I realized I can go without a bra bc my boobs shrunk, the morning vodka red bull you were forced to drink? Which one roped you in?
We had sex then laid in his bed eating chocolate and drinking juice boxes. I think I'm going to keep him around.
I was pretty sure he wouldn't be into me after I fucked his brother, and then his best friend, and yet, here I am doing lines off his stomach
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