I can't believe all I ate yesterday was half a turkey sandwich and 20 finger licks of exctasy.
the table of underagers at this wedding were seated 10ft from the open bar. currently 30 open containers on the table for 5 people. dinner hasn't even been served yet.
hey girl hope you're alright, you hit that tree really hard. have a good night.
My right arm is handcuffed to my leg... Please help.
they wouldn't let me take the pitcher of beer on the ferris wheel
Met my future wife peeing in the men's room. I stood in for the missing door on the stall. We really hit it off talking about how her butt didn't even touch the seat from all the years of squat lifting in high school.
Just ate tuna on a frozen waffle because we were out of bread.
This is why you don't have nice things.
He set two of my ex boyfriends on fire at two different bars without anyone knowing it was him or how it happened either time. He might be a fucking super hero
I mean, they were small fires and no one got hurt, but still. Awesome.
This is why I need to move out...so my naked vomit covered walk of shames to the bathroom are only witnessed by one other person who is equally as pathetic as me and the cat
I might have hooked up with a 2003 alumni last night in the basement
Dude you were ten when he graduated
Wahoowaaaaaaa
Someone with the Instagram name "hymenbreaker" just liked a photo of me and my grandma. I feel ashamed.
I can't tell if this is a hangover or just a perfect combination of shame and regret
Do I have to cook for the potluck? Can I just bring a costco size bottle of Vodka?
really who shits their pants then locks themselves out of their apartment? ... I threw my underwear out in a random bathroom
Holy shit he’s stupid hot! If you don’t hurry up and make a move my ovaries are going to march over there and introduce themselves
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