i just realized that no matter how many potstickers i eat, i will never be asian
Alcohol only hurts me because he loves me.
I think we were cool up until the point where he saw that planned parenthood was on my speed dial.
so whenever I text yeah my phone automatically corrects it to yeahhhheeehhyeahyeahh .. too much party in the USA?
Weed smoke burps in the boss's face. Job security.
I almost caused an explosion; It's okay though. because everyone would have died having a good time.
Why can't public transit accommodate my lifestyle of drinking til midnight on a Monday?
I'm just learned what a rim job is, I feel like crying
I think cutting a patient out of a owl costume is a first for those guys. It's a good story at least.
You don't have to have sex with both if us but I would like a little positive fucking regard.
If I were better looking, this would be the point where I'd resign myself to stripping.
Dude, you got arrested for trying to direct traffic with your dick....
I'm so drunk I forgot what to do to go pee.
He puked all over the side of the car and the head rest behind him...and then all he said was "America."
It's difficult to focus on bonds when you know your classmate peed in your mouth
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