I boned her and wore a Freddy mask once. It was pretty lol
if creeping was an olympic sport, i would be a lock for the gold right now.
Just saw my neighbor passed out in his front yard, leg stretching into the road. Full beer in his hand.
just once id like to meet someone on craigslist who isnt fat
is it sad that i think every plant i pass on the highway looks like a plant from farmville?
Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
I kept pulling the $1 bills off the stage and told everyone "no no no she has to work for this money"
My vagina senses are tingling. I know your here.
broke the door off of my fridge tryin to have a indoor rodeo
The important thing is not that we avoid making mistakes, but that we avoid learning from them.
The only thing stopping me from having sex with you in my parents jacuzzi bathtub is the knowledge that they've already had that idea themselves
She busted her face in a tragic twerking accident. Marking the 2nd time I have peed my pants laughing.
Good thing my vagina doesn't have a chronometer on it. I'm sure my fiance would be horrified. Probably 10 miles from this past weekend alone.
Fuck off. Since when do you love him??
Since he licked my arm to retrieve the macaroni and cheese he dropped. You have to appreciate that
Can't even lie. Mad respect
Totally reading about penis envy for my final exam
Randomize
