You feel like going out tonight?
Does a 14yr-old girl look good beat up? I'll bring the handle
Worst sexual experience IN MY LIFE. And now i know why it makes jesus cry.
oh fat girl friday strikes again...
ol I'll be okay, it's only a christmas party so the worst that could happen is I end up playing madden naked again
Ever since he's come out, my facebook stalking experience has gotten uncomfortable
I am scared. I picture you doing a keg stand on a sinking ship with hula girls cheering you on. Please text me when you get back to shore...or now would be good
I think a 5 ft pyramid of jello shots in honor of the egyptians is in order
we were walking and you spelled the word "oats" to prove you weren't drunk.
Well I'm 2 for 2 with the absinthe, I just woke up in some random car behind the bar
there's a guy in the del taco parking lot doing pushups. let's be his friends
Your friend, the one I told I would brush his teeth with my tongue, what's his name again?
If my mom walks in on me masturbating one more time I'm moving out
You'd think the first few times would have been enough
We were drunk having sex and I knocked over her bedside table/fish bowl and she jumped off to check if her fish was still alive but she made me pasta so it's cool
Welp, just took a tab of acid and cracked one of three bottles of champagne... Mondays ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯
Sextember may be over, but Cocktober is just beginning!!!
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