Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
I just found glitter on my vibrator... whatever we're doing has to stop
I fucked him in the bathroom at Cedar Point. if it hadn't been for me already combining my two favorite things in the world the whole bathroom thing would have been a little disgusting.
She just face-timed her mom and had her watch all of us toast to her grandmas tits..
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
They're doing shots to celebrate every 15 minutes passing. You can come get them.
Just drank an entire bottle of champagne for lunch. It's gonna be that kind of semester.
I think having a vagina should be considered a skill, give me a break.
He stopped in the middle of having sex to ask me what shampoo I use. Apparently my hair smelled good
Dear awkwardly drunk roommate, thanks for stuffing enough change in my clevage that I could afford a pepsi at work today. Sincerely awesome roommate that put up with your drunk ass
You realize we were screaming in the car about our apartment next year because we can "bring home randoms whenever we want" and "stare at each other from our door ways"
Prerry sure I narrowly avoided being tazed by a swat cop last night... But on the up side, we found my purse.
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
Go shave, and then go fuck the man
YOU ARE SO CRUDE, I LOVE YOU
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