I just feng shui'd our living room furniture. You may be mad in the morning
Four minutes until I can fart!
Well, I guess this was as good a night as any to find out I don't know how to use my fire extinguisher.
Wow. Thanks for becoming another fan of something on Facebook. You make me want to gouge my eyes out.
the plan is to continue having sex with all three of them until my birthday, and then once they've given me their presents, they can find out about each other.
I really shouldn't have to apologize. It was your own damn fault for opening a tab at the bar and telling me about it.
Im only pretending to be his friend so I can sleep with his girlfriend.
I always forget that visiting my hometown is like a who's who of ugly people.
It's awesome, he has so much more free time now that he's not screwing other girls behind my back
You know the cave of wonders in Aladdin? That's how I feel about his apartment. Except with blow and other treasures.
I was super proud of him for making a mature relationship decision, and then I remembered that he cheated on her. With me.
I don't work there anymore. If they had Prince themed dildo parties i never would have quit
worse hangover than the time you almost threw up in a plant in front of your daycare kids?
...I don't remember telling you about that but yes
I did what i always do when i miss him; masturbate and watch Bridges of Madison County.
What the hell kind of sad excuse for a bottom are you
Randomize
