I made her dinner: Beefaroni with grated parmesan cheese on top. Luckily she showed up drunk and gave me head, "For spending so much time preparing."
Just found my car keys in your throw-up.
I hope this adventure ends at a hospital
I told the girl in his bed not to bleed on his sheets like the last one.
I have vodka soaked strawberries. My latest tarot card reading hinted at a lesbian/bisexual coming out. I doubt I survive the night.
I can't believe I had to sit there pretending to play Halo with a condom on for 20 Minutes because your brother barged in to tell a story.
Guess who just rode home in a cop car?! Your Fav flamingo
Naw man, if he's crazy enough to jerk off on a public bus he's too crazy for me to fuck with
I had to ask him for a dick pic. Do you know how refreshing that was?
My stuff that was at your place last night smells like doughnuts. I'm not even mad.
I know I'm going to throw up tonight it's just a matter of when and where
I'm torn between wanting to wear lipstick and wanting to make out with strangers.
Will u make me a "6 month anniversary of being single" cake??? I wanna celebrate
We went there specifically for you to break it off with him and I walk in on you two in the bathroom with his dick in your mouth
but he had pizza... so i win
I give up.
We were literally making dick jokes with his dick out
That’s the level of friends with benefits I aspire to achieve
Randomize