my brain is sober enough to have a conversation.. but my arms feel nice
This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
I wish they made portable blow up dolls for girls.
It's called a dildo, genius. Go to sleep.
My mom just said we needed to put weed into our earthquake kit.
Nada. Shooting off confetti and wanted to see I'd u could see it from ur house.
Wow. Its not even 11am.
ur roommate just sent me a pic of us fucking. i'm not coming over anymore.
And then I learned that we are dating when I said it's out of line to bring fuck buddies home to meet the parents. And then I was single.
We have to have sex while I'm dressed as a tiger. It's one of my life goals
If you ever bitch out on 72oz margarita night again, this friendship is over
She gave us all a pep talk at the bus stop at 1 AM. It involved cupcakes and somehow ended with her making out with her best friend. God bless college.
yeah...that's gonna come up in court
all night she kept rolling over and mumbling something about wanting an extendable retractable urethra.
I had sex with him in the back of my car in a duck onesie. I'm worth something dammit.
So nothing to worry about, but i'm probly going to jail soon, just thought i should let you know so you didn't worry. Bye!
LISTEN TO ME! DONDE ESTA LA FUCKING VICODIN!
Randomize
