I’m once again drinking at eight am on a Sunday in my tutu. This garment is literally my best purchase ever.
U just looked at me and said "wake me up when I'm done eating"
The guy in front of me got in the club with his green card, that's awesome
How can he have such a manly penis and baby hands?!
Why are you speaking in third person?
Because I'm so hungover that I don't even want to be myself anymore.
The last thing I remember is teaching our waffle house waitress to do the stanky leg and promising the grill cook we would come see him at his other job.
I can't even remember the last time I took my own pants off
It seems that only way I've actually improved myself after 2 years of writing for the school newspaper is that I've mastered the art of descriptive words to improve my sexting skills
sending him nudies in gran's hospital bathroom. you?
Don't laugh, but I might need some advice on how to ride a crooked dick.
You brought string cheese to the strip club
I just sneeze out a chunk of leftover pickle I threw up last night. dont you try and tell me your day is going worse
Can you come get me? I woke up in the woods behind the Super 8. I have pizza.
Got baptized for New Years. In champagne and cheap vodka.
I guess you could say the date didn’t go so well since I was drunkenly Snapchatting with my ex by the end of it.
Randomize
