So now everyone thinks I don't know what a condom is
If the Four Horseman of the Apocalypse gang banged each other and had a kid, it would look like the creature I woke up next to this morning.
The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
They are baked and once again have spent the last 45 mins talking about opening up a world wide business called "pickle on a stick"
I had the spins so badly it was like I was having sex with 2 girls
So after I pop out this baby we need to just go on a monthlong coke binge so I can get skinny again before vegas
So fucked up. Can't tell if I'm starving or about to puke. Playing it safe and eating froot loops. Tasty in, colorful out.
I just threw up trying to put pants on. This is obviously a sign to stay naked.
we can't get the sharpie off the toilet seat from where you pressed your forearm with THUG LIFE written on it while you puked until 3 last night
i cannot be the only guy who has bought the every day with rachael ray magazine for use as porn
Yeah. I don't know. I'm just gonna show up at her place on valentines day with a jock strap, box of chocolates, and rose clenched between my ass cheeks with "be mine" written across my glorious man titties.
You should help rebuild my confidence with your dick. Altruism: Pass it on.
So, no matter what happens today, hold on to this. At least you're not naked under your ex husband's trench coat being stopped by the police who also work with your ex husband. Long story. Actually, not a long story. That's it.
I fit in backpacks. BOOM HERE I AM! Like a stripper from a cake.
I lost my pants last night, she told me I walked into their room after leaving 5 minutes before wearing my thong.....and no pants. I have absolutely no idea where I left them.
Randomize
