There's a girl here with sideburns. I gave her your number, you can thank me later.
well my last 2 orgasms were over shoe sales at macy's. what does that tell you?
just smash crush and snort whatever we can get our paws on
I knew I fell for you for a reason
she was so "full of love" from watching twilight that she came over and gave me a handjob. when does the next movie come out?
the worst part is we had a camera rolling
Did his mom notice it when she saw u guys?
Yes.
I have to watch that.
my mom just cut me up lemons and limes so i would have some vitamins with my tequlia
You beat him at the shot competition, and proceeded to rub it in while telling everyone to "ASK ME A MATH QUESTION!!!"
threw up in the kitchen showroom. home depot employee of the month.
winnie the pooh came out of nowhere and offered me a burrito...it was a fucking amazing burrito.
I may or have may not just taken a swig out of a jar of alfedo sauce in my fridge. Dont judge me
So in the middle of making out, he decided to give me a breast exam. God I love dating a doctor. He saved me a $20 copay.
YAY! I just removed my own stitches, and I'm only bleeding from one spot! on a related note, do you think a dishwasher will sterilize forceps and trauma shears?
Just got a blow job from a woman on a ski slope. She said ski'ing frightens her and giving head calms her down. Glad I could help ma'am!
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
Listen, I just paid for a hotel room, so I didn't have to have sex in his car. I'm adulting successfully.
Randomize
