Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
We took shots in honor of Shark Week.
i broight you flpweers amd vodka. open yoir bask door
I want him to rain dance my fallopian tubes.
He showed me a picture of his baby hamsters and I called them "Mammal McNuggets"
Not much, just taking another sorting hat quiz while waiting for this porno to finish buffering
I'm having a martini with dinner. A new level of class.
I'm stoned and eating mustard, also a new level of class.
Some guys phone started vibrating on the tv. I answered mine. That's how high I am.
Adulthood is weird i just cleared a check larger than my gross income from 2011 but i also just did coke during my lunch break
Told my fifteen year old cousin's friend what to sext his girlfriend last night. He was scarred for life but she fucking loved it.
STOP PUTTING PICTURES OF JONAH HILL IN MY KITCHEN CABINETS!
After you punched me you ran away and it took an hour to find you... On the wrong floor... Sitting alone saying "it doesnt make sense"
Haha I wasn't coming anyway. I'm watching Snow White and don't want to put pants back on. Those are completely unrelated. Have a good night.
He showed up to my apt at 6am wearing a suit and holding a bag of coke....how could I not let him in?
Drunk is a universal language darling
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