Sweetheart, you've always been a horrid bitch...
these burps are starting to have way more vomit in them,
oh jesus shes a lukewarm mess
I could have mohawked her pubes.
My mom just asked me if I was gay in front of my gf
nothing says new school year like ambulances and police road blocks.
I woke up this morning next to a stack of saltines & a txt from u saying "do it." it took me a second to remember wat was going on
I just masturbated while eating dinner. Now who's the lazy one
THERE IS A WINE CUBE IN MY ASS THIS IS NOT GOING AS PLANNED
Also, I just realized you seduced me while in a batman onesie... Well done, sir. Well done.
So my Mom pointed out my vibrator on the night stand next to my stun gun and reminded me of how much I drink.
The Wolf of Wall Street “I ain’t fuckin’ leaving!” speech when the cops broke up your party though...
Please send pictures of any nice new years ladies you run across in town, as I've forgotten what women look like.
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
He serenaded me say anything-style with Weird Al songs and then blew me on the beach. I'd say he's a keeper.
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