Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
why did i wake up with a kid named Raphael in my bed this morning?
I dont know but you did call last night to tell me you found the last ninja turtle
i just walked into thanksgiving and three people in a row asked me who i was. really?
the dude from the bar called to tell his mom about me immediately after we finished PLEASE COME GET ME
Haha he acted like he's never seen a tampon catapolt across the hall before
Jus posted an album so big that it takes my manhood into question
So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
do you actually have a paper bowl full of broken glass and ecstasy or was that just a dream?
Don't make fun of the drunk girl eating bread out of her pockets. I've been that girl.
I need to beat up a magician now. BRB.
Boobs have been pretty central in my life somehow lately which makes me question if I am truly gay
I'm going to preface tonight by saying that I'm sorry for tequila, shopping carts, and having to chase me.
I got home at 1 am on a weeknight with lube in my hair. I'd say it was a successful first date.
Doing a walk of shame at Wal-Mart at 3:30am because when I left at 11pm I was getting milk
How do I un-spend everything I bought last night? Seriously...was a penis shaped piñata and enough tequila to fill my bathtub really that necessary?
At least you can say you've literally dumped money down the drain
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