every time i drive by the road she lives on, i scream in the car "i'm sorry i'm sleeping with your boyfriend!" makes me feel less whore-y.
I'm not really sure how I got home, but judging by this headache, i'm assuming it involved bourbon.
you know the rule: 3 consecutive asian hookups makes you an asian fetish guy, no exceptions
I am downstairs in the bar now having a beer...actually I ordered two beers and placed one across from me in front of an open chair. I did this for appearance sake, so nobody knew I was double fisting all alone. I'm getting hungry now. I'm thinking of ordering two meals just to keep appearances up.
Breaking up as roommates was a poor life decision. I'm sorry. Thank you for never shitting on the floor.
So half of us were already throwing up outside when the Ukrainians ask us if we're ready to start partying yet. I love this country.
All I want is to send a text that says "i slept with someone while wearing nothing but purple argyle socks this weekend." But the only person i would send that to is you. But you already know. Because they were your socks.
She was bending and I said "finally, about time". Wrong, she was tying her shoe. No blowjobs for me.
I have made the descision to sacrifice the first of my family's dogs that wakes me before noon tomorrow. I may quickly become the family outcast
i came home after a long day at work and she dropped a plate of cheesecake and a bottle of whiskey in front of me and said here's dinner
Btw I did not technically have a dick in me but I was naked in bed with a man during the last finals game so that is why the Warriors won
I got to walk around for eight hours wearing power armor and acting camp. No way I wouldn't love it.
PS: bike ride of shame at 7am includes riding by kids waiting for the school bus #classy
I woke up with my phone plugged into an extension cord in my garage. No clue how I got home. Videos of me flogging my roommate with my set of keys telling him he's the worst roommate ever. And my mom woke me up at 8am asking how to make a DVD...Goddamnit first Friday.
What happened last night?
Lets just say you asked me a couple times if you had eyeballs..
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