two words: eviction party
I ended up with a bullet proof vest and I still don't know his last name.
Cops do not care. One just laughed and said "precious"
Should we start at nine like normal people or now like alcoholics?
I've been smelling a baby wipe for three minutes. I didn't think I was that drunk but I guess I am
It's one of those mornings where you wake up and want to go to church for the first time in ten years. THAT shameful.
I got slapped by a drag queen and bitten on the arm by either a random girl or a weird mouth shaped dog. Tough to tell without seeing the teeth
You need to get laid. You spent last night stumbling through the club pulling couples apart and telling them to leave room for Jesus.
Nothing shouts "I'm single" like a thousand needlepoint pillows.
We got hammered last night and I woke up this morning with texts from 'iron maiden chick.' wtf?
Literally too hungover to clean. I'll get the frosting off the table tomorrow, ok?
Sometimes you have a glimmer of a heart and then I immediately remember you are dead inside.
I just don't wanna be that girl with no ride and no pants
Last time i cooked this high i tried to makw bacon amd then burned myselfbon the grill, only to realize 25min latwr when the bacon wouldnt cook that the grill wasn't on. I IMAGINED the burn.
Oh I had the weirdest dream in which I was an archeologist stealing a golden dildo from a snobby British person
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