what age do we have to be before we can stop fucking guys on the first date?
If God had a period, it would result in diet faygo redpop
Hookup with hot guy from gym, check. Wake up to find he's peed in my closet, double check.
It's one thing to send dick shots. It's a whole other thing to send unimpressive dick shots while wearing crocs.
He's trying to row the canoe up my front yard like he is Lewis and Clark.
What can I say, your life is charmed. I'm on the couch trying to decide whether or not to puke again.
He's such a gentleman. He didn't even ask why my bra was flung on the seat of my car. He just took my snow brush, pushed it onto the floor and said, "Let's go I'm hungry."
Either I'm deep cleaning my apartment out of severe academic procrastination or I'm subconsciously nesting and need to take a pregnancy test.
I made a list on my phone of places I want to fuck, it's right under my list of groceries I'm getting a little too used to regular sex but dude monogamy is the shit
Hey dude this is some next level no homo shit but im gonna get 2 tickets to the opera and go Hail Mary on this one girl. U take the extra ticket if i fail.
No we don't really celebrate valentines day, we just use it as an excuse to drink 3 bottles of red wine and fuck for a few hours.
I am going to tweet NASA until they put me into space
Those rocketship riding assholes need the common man
You jumped into so many bushes for no reason
If the people you’re with use the word tequila in a sentence with phrases like hair of the dog or breakfast of champions...run awsy
Im sorry for telling you id rather jump into traffic than date you again. I didnt mean to be so rude
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