So baked. Thought the twigs on the sidewalk were caterpillars with the ability to harden in self defense. Had to pick one up to be sure.
This is my last and worst hangover of the decade...I almost cherrish it
okay, prove you're not drunk to me. write 5 true sentences about me with correct grammar.
I am sober. Because I don't drunk. It is bad. People die. I like Domenico because o he bag women what up?
I just found out my mom named me after her fake ID from college...
There's a man in a pumpkin/reaper outfit advertising a new head shop outside the Taco Bell. I love this town.
Found my other fake eyelash. In a condom wrapper...
How are you not embarrassed to know me. I'm a mess right now. I'm a walking, talking tornado of embarrassment
I AM VODKA MAN
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
Sex in your truck helped me start regaining feeling in my jaw. Thanks!
NO I WILL NOT SET YOU UP WITH MY TWIN WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU?!? JUST BECAUSE I WONT BLOW YOU DOESNT MEAN YOU CAN STALK HER AS A BACKUP PLAN YOU SPANISH BASTARD
A boy just offered to come over and help me clean my house. I hope you are more successful than he will be tonight.
Someone just asked me why I drink so much. Im gonna slap a bitch
Just showed my drunk fiancé where I got circumcised, she's been crying for twenty minutes.
I just found a baklava I forgot I got last night so we can call it a day
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