Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
dude skip the party. it is a fucking post office here
what the hell does that mean?
nothing good but a whole lotta male and packages
He's doing the 1:45AM lap: he goes around the bar, finds the hottest crying girl 15 minutes before close, and brings her home. I would feel bad for the girls if it wasn't such incredible genius.
also I just used a straw to drink the juice out of a tomato b/c I forgot how to bite.
he woke up with $200 in his pocket and had to buy his cell phone back from a hobo at the bus stop.
His personality is sparkling but nothing beats his ass
No, he went to go get condoms. The least I could do was chug two beers before he got back
I hear fucking Christmas music. I'm going to find fucking Santa and tell him to suck a dick and shut up for the next month
I love birth control. How's that for a Facebook status on valentines day.
I was using my Beauty and the Beast blanket as a makeshift skirt because no pants
my friend was passed out in the bathroom so I threw up in the coffee maker, not the pot the water reservoir that kind of drunk.
Another development in my life...I think I pulled a muscle in my neck from vomiting this weekend.
after that bj i gave him, i could fucking punch his mom and he wouldn't give a shit
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